What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 23:57
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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(And it was in our own minds.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What are examples of real life forced feminization?
Who then, do I blame.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
If white people had been slaves, would WLM be a thing right now?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why do our deceased do not protect us from other bad spirits?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But it wasn’t much.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
What does success really mean to you? Is it about happiness, money, or something else?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
What did i know ?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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She found it foreign!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I don,t even have a pension.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I will be 64.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was scared of men, in general
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So whats the point in blame.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Comes on , in middle age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is soul school!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im still living with it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She wouldn,t have been !
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My family never makes their pension either.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why did i forgive my father ?
We were not on the streets..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
She loved him until the end.
I was 9 years of age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was very sick at this time too.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I said to her
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was seconnd youngest,
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It was going to be , some day.
And i lived it daily.
He knew the spot.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I write beautiful poetry .
My life is so biszare .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So, i spoilt her more .
We all went to grammer schools
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I waited trembling.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I think the readers, may guess!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Ive learnt so much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She was in good health!
When she asked me how she looked .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
One cannot live in the past .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Would this be the day?
But, we were locked up after school.
All the time i was locked up.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..